Twenty Seven

I was having a really good day today.

Then my dad was an ass for about 30 seconds.

And now I don't want to write this.

Twenty Six

I'm putting this in here, then putting it behind me.
I know she's lying, but whatever.
I guess she can take her time.
& in the meantime she can just continue leading herself off a bridge...
I've done what I can.
In the meantime, I'm sorry I haven't written daily as planned.
This week was homecoming and next week is fall break, so it's pretty much the perfect storm.
And I don't want to talk about anything right now anyway.

Oh I'm also gonna put these on here, because they are what made me finally say this to her.

Do you see this shit!?  It's mind-blowing!  Does she think we're idiots?  The bleaches, the floor, Andrew's hand, her own freaking arm?  All freaking warped!  Not to mention the fact that she is impossibly skinny.  She made herself look anorexic.  Just so freaking stupid.

But to be honest, after everything she does, the message I sent her wasn't out of love or concern.

I was pissed off.  I was pissed because she isn't okay with the way she is.

I am still pissed actually.  I'm pissed that I'm working my ass off to lost my shitty summer weight, and she is just making herself throw up and editing her pictures.

I know I shouldn't be like that though.  Because my mind and body are healthy and both of hers are sick.

Seriously though, I'm don't being concerned if she wants to keep lying.

She can do whatever she wants.

Twenty Two

Agh, so much junk.

Hmm...

So the DECA field trip was really fun, and so was powderpuff.

Tomorrow is Friday (thank goodness), and I have a cross country meet.

It should be fun, but I have to miss the homecoming parade, even though I'm president of Mu Alpha Theta.

Hopefully Smitha and Tyler can handle it, but I'm just glad I don't have to worry about it.

I already spent a ridiculous amount of time making the float (with no help from the majority of the the club, which has at least 100 people).

I stayed up until two last night making the "centerpiece."

I hope people remember to wear togas... (the float is Grecian because a lot of mathematical figures are letters of the Greek alphabet).

Anyway, tomorrow is Friday which means Saturday is homecoming!

AND I AM RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!

We're going to New Town to take pictures, and then I'm not sure if were eating or not. 

To be honest, we might not even go to New Town... I don't really know.

But that's our plan for now.

Then after homecoming (over 75% of our school is supposed to be there, the tickets almost sold out completely - which is freaking crazy), people are spending the night at my house. 

So yeah, that should be interesting.

Then Sunday will be a homework/running day I guess.

And after that, there is only a week and a half until fall break.

(WHICH IS TWO FREAKING WEEKS LONG!!)

Ah, I'm so glad tomorrows Friday, this was a tough week to get through.

I still haven't weighted myself yet, but I don't want to do it because I don't want it to break my confidence that I have lost some of this garbage weight.

I just want to be completely fit and healthy by college, I don't care what these crazies in high school think of me, I just want college to be really fun and awesome.

But for now I will just have to do my best with high school.
Yikes, Pray for me.

Jasmine

Katie

Kelly

Sarah, Megan, Allie, Ashlynn (DECA)

Twenty

I've decided to add pictures to this beautiful blog!

Cross Country Meet
Paul Enke Invitational (The Man Maker) 

Alexis, Brianna, Danielle

DECA field trip tomorrow.
Powderpuff tomorrow.
Only three more days until homecoming.
Only fifteen days until fall break - which contains only one full week of school.
Life holds so much promise.

homecoming week
animal print

around the world

Zach, Jasmine

Nineteen

Letter I wrote to my future self at the beginning of the summer at the Missouri Leadership Conference.
At the time I did not image the horrors of the remainder of the summer, but how could I?
They were bad yes, I have grown from them.
But I still think I look fat in my cross country uniform.
But most people look fat in that ugly piece of garbage.
I knew this thing was worthless the second I wrote it.
I wanted to write something amazing because I loved MLS, but I was overwhelmed and excited and having a freaking fit.  I wish I could go back... but I probably would have don't the same things.  I know everything happens for a reason, so I guess a major catastrophe was the only thing to cure me of my funk.
Life does seem a lot simpler now.  More easy going, yet more important somehow.
Anyway, here you go...

June 5, 2011
Dear Kerry,
MLS was amazing, but I'm sure a few months won't make you forget that.  Come back next year! (Which I'm not, even though I wish I could).  No matter what it takes come back.  You have the power to change lives.  You can change lives in MLS, change them just as much as MLS changed you this year.  You woke up this weekend.  Be proud of who you are.  Be confident, give hugs, be excited.  Make sure Mu Alpha Theta is amazing!  You can change even more lives through Mu Alpha Theta. (Don't really see that happening either.)  And that's what you want to do with your life right?  Never go back to the hardships of sophomore year (or this summer, my gosh.)  You are a wonderful, beautiful, powerful person.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  DON'T BE AFRAID.  Always be yourself.  You're amazing.  Follow all of your dreams.  Marry a sexy irish boy, travel the country, BE HAPPY!  I love you, you're amazing and don't ever let people put you in a box.  Life needs to be lived.  Do what you love and fuck (ahh, passionate cursing) the rest.  Life is one big party.
Love you!
Kerry Moriarty

I mean, somethings have changed a lot since then, but MLS did change me.
And this summer changed me.

Fowler said something about overcoming adversity today, and about having grit.
(Which I feel bad because my knee was kinda painful and I told them about it, which feels like complaining, which I hate, but it really wasn't that much... I still did the workout.)
I feel like that was my entire sophomore year and all of last summer.
And the past year gave me a heck of a lot of grit.
But the past is the past and I want to keep it that way.
Learn from the past, but don't live in the past.
Believe me, I know how repetitive I am making this.
But I am fucking done with the past.
(I think The Catcher in the Rye is giving me a dirty mouth., but I loved that book so ridiculously much.)

By the way homecoming is this weekend.
I'm reaaaallly excited.
I'm getting my haircut and highlighted Saturday at nine in the morning.
The lady that did my sister's hair had a cancellation luckily.
It is going to be so much freaking fun.

Seventeen

Ugh.  Blah.
I don't understand the way I feel right now.
I guess its antsy...
I'm being impatient.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.

Oh and that all veggie thing was a stupid idea.
You don't get any energy and you always feel bloated.
No more of that garbage.
I was a silly idea, I shouldn't be so naive.

Fifteen

I'm so sorry, i'm just so busy and tired and I can't do this for a short while.
I have so much to do at the moment.
Hopefully I can have a fully fleshed-out post tomorrow night or Saturday night.
Sorry, I have to study for physics and marketing and do my math and spanish homework.
Aghh, and I have to wake up at like 5:30 tomorrow.
At times like these I just try to think of the kids in China and India who are constantly doing school work and studying.
At least I don't have a tiger mom.
At least a million years of intense schooling isn't my only way to escape poverty.
I'll get through tonight and tomorrow somehow, even if I appear to be a member of the walking dead.

Twelve

Guess what?
I didn't do it again!
I was just so freaking hungry and my mother didn't buy corn... she bought peas.
We already had peas...
So instead I ate rice cakes with peanut butter and a banana.
Whatever...
Powderpuff was a waste of time today.
I have a Spanish test tomorrow, and Wednesday, and Thursday.
I have a physics test Wednesday and Thursday.
There's too much to do this week.
All I want to do is sleep and read and run.
I still feel pudgy, but I think it is slowly subsiding.
I just have to get through this year.
I just want to be skinny and I just want to go to Costa Rica.
But for now I know that people like me for who I am, and I think that's pretty awesome.

15. Speech & Debate

Eleven

I didn't follow through today.
Joe got some cereal and I wanted to see what soy milk tasted like with cereal.
It tasted pretty normal, but now I feel sick from eating the cereal.

Whatever, the moral of the story is that I am going to eat only fruits and veggies Monday through Friday.
I'm seriously going to do it though.
Because DECA, homecoming, prom, and Costa Rica taste better than any food.

I decided to edit this post and add a list of why I'm going to do this...
1. Cross Country
2. Powderpuff
3. DECA Conference & Lake of the Ozark's
4. Homecoming
5. Halloween
6. Fall Retreat
7. Swimming
8. Pro-Life
9. Snowcoming?
10. Track or Soccer
11. Visit Renee at Loyola
11. Prom
12. Summer
13. Costa Rica
14. Senior Year
13. College
14. Every second of every day

Ten

The first cross country meet was today at Forest Park.
JV girls ran a 4K, and I clocked in at 21:03.
There we about a hundred people behind me and two people from my team.
And even more people whet slower than me if you look at the other division.
I know I'm not fast, but its nice to know that there are some people slower than me.
Then I went to a speech and debate thing at Pattonville High School.
I watched examples of prose/poetry, Lincoln-Douglas debate, and storytelling/duo interpretation.
I really liked prose and storytelling, and I think that's what I will do.

Anyway, I know I have lost a little bit of summer weight, but I want to lose it all by homecoming.
I have a plan to accomplish this, and I think that losing five to ten more pounds in a two week period is a good and healthy goal.
For the next two weeks I will eat only fruits (all except banannas), vegetables, and water (maybe Gatorade after races).
I was going to do this today, but I had to go straight to Pattonville and all that was in the car was peanuts so it didn't really work out.
But tonight I'm going to go running and tomorrow I will start on my plan.
I'm just going to try to have a positive attitude and will my body to lose weight.
I refuse to fall into a pit.
And as for my running this new diet shouldn't affect it or cause me to become sick or anything.
I doubt fruits and veggies will make me feel weak, and honestly I don't care if they do as long as this works.
This weight just reminds me of my summer, and I want it to be in my past as soon as possible.
I know I will actually do it too.
The things I write on here feel more defined and set in stone.
I'm going to go run now...

Nine

Here's a true story for you.
A couple weeks ago Zach and Jackie came over to my house around nine o'clock at night.
Jackie's boyfriend then drove over and Jackie went outside to talk to him.
Zach and I quickly became bored and decided that we should try to eavesdrop on Jackie and Mike, believing that they were surely talking about stupid lovey-dovey garbage.
After an hour and a half of failure Zach and I gave it up and sat in my living room, throughly defeated, but joking about all the stupid ways we had tried to eavesdrop.
After awhile I looked out the window, and Jackie and Mike were nowhere to be seen.
When I crept around the back of the house to check, I found that they were standing next to the garage door.
I ran inside and grabbed Zach.
We quickly found our way into the garage and next to the garage door.
We could see Jackie's shadow on the floor.
We listened.  Here's the dialogue...
JACKIE: When I was young ... (something) ... didn't know it was wrong.
MIKE:  (something).
JACKIE:  I feel ashamed... (something).
MIKE: Well next time you feel like it call me.
JACKIE: I like... (something).
MIKE:  (something)... I'm just gonna say it... you like making yourself puke into a toilet?
JACKIE: (something).
MIKE:  You feel good after you do it and thats why you keep doing it.  You do it when you feel good so you will feel better and you do it even more when you feel bad because you want to feel good.
JACKIE:  How do you know all this?  It's like you're reading my mind. (This statement made me mad, its such crap.  Who wouldn't know that?)
MIKE:  I know you, I know you so well.  I know you better than you know yourself.

Then Zach and I left.
When we got inside Zach and I were initially very excited because we had finally succeeded in our task.
We hugged, engulfed in excitement.
Then reality kind of set in.
The one thing I remember most is something Zach said.
Zack said that he thought Jackie was the perfect girl, but now she's just like every other girl.  Insecure.
It was then that I decided to put my problems in the past.
The stupid eating habits I had during the year and the crazy exercising I had to do as a result.
And the even dumber eating habits I had this summer, which was even more food and no exercising, as I had quit my soccer team (coach was a serious ass) and was burnt out on jogging.
I gained 15 to 20 pounds this summer.
I hated every second of it.
When I initially gained 3 pounds I freaked out.
When I gained 5 I shut down in despair.
When I gained 10 I cried for days.
At 15 I saw a therapist and a nutritionalist.
I didn't go back after the first session.
I didn't think they could tell me anything I didn't already know.
But Zach's comment made me happy I hadn't tried purging.
I mean, I tried once or twice, but I didn't really work out for me.
But I was now on cross country and avoiding scales at all costs.
I'm still on cross country, and haven't been on a scale since.
I still feel fat a lot, but I don't feel like shit anymore.
And I can tell that I have lost at least five pounds, but I'm still too nervous to step on a scale.
I want to loose all the weight though.
I'm determined.
I want to look healthy and fit for Prom and for Costa Rica this summer.

This summer sucked.  But I grew in my pain.
I came to truly understand the phrase "You don't know what you've got until its gone."
And I stress out over school work less.  Still a lot, but less.
I appreciate people and the world more.
I read one other thing that helped me a lot.  It was in Cosmopolitan magazine.
It said something like, "People are much more concerned with themselves than they are you."

When I returned to school, I was even nicer to be.
I've thrown caution to the wind.
I say whatever I want to say, the second I want to say it.
I complement people constantly.
I can make conversation with anyone.
And everyone still loves me.
And I still love everyone.
I don't get as jealous.
I just focus on self improvement.
I want to lose the weight.  So I will.
I have to stay vigilant, but I know that I can do this.
I have the willpower.
Prom and Costa Rica (mostly Costa Rica) are constantly on my mind.

I can do this.
The right way, the healthy way with good diet and exercise.
I will never do what Jackie does.
And I still don't know what to do about Jackie.
I think this is why I feel like something's wrong/bad about Mike.

Six

I wonder how much other people daydream.
I daydream all the time it seems.  Every second.
I like it and it makes me happy.  I love my imagination.
I believe that my imagination is what makes me so creative and outspoken (I know, not very humble).
But seriously, every single second of my life is in a kind of fog.
I'm always dreaming about something.
Sometimes I feel bad about it.  I have always heard that a dreamer is nothing if they don't do anything about it.
But I want to do something with it.  I really do.
I want to make movies, I want to make television shows.
I want to work in advertising, I want to be an entrepreneur.

I have a lot of daydreams, as I said.
I dream about my brother and his life and everything I want for him.  I want everything for him.
I dream about my sister and her heart and mind and everything I want to fill them.  I want her to have the strength to be herself.
I dream about my friends and how they're making the wrong or right choices.  I dream about why they are stupid and why they are smart.   I dream about their lives and where they are going.
Sometimes I laugh about these daydreams and sometimes I cry.
But really I guess they are not daydreams, they are prayers.

I pray my brother loves his job.
I pray my sister finds someone she can be herself with.
I pray Jackie stops caring what other people think so she can finally enjoy her beautiful life.
I pray Katie stays in my life forever.  I want her to learn from me and I want to learn for her.
I pray Marie stays innocent.  I want her to stay ignorant.
I pray Christina learns that she is strong and that she can stand up for herself.

This summer I thought I was drowning, but I was just growing.
I pray the next time I grow I see the silver lining.

Five

Hey, sorry I didn't write again yesterday.
But since I finally have some time...
Well, on Thursday I just went home and watched Mad Men until I fell asleep.  I found out around nine that the cross country meet the next day had been cancelled because of the heat.
On Friday I woke up at around two.  I went to mall with my sister and picked out my homecoming dress.  I found it in about twenty minutes, which is strange because the last two years I just borrowed them because I couldn't find one that I was partial too.  I really like the one I picked out though.  It feels classic.  It's creme colored and all lace.  After the mall my sister and I went to her house on campus.  We went for a run and then I watched Mad Men again, as Bridget watched Sherlock.  I spent the night there.
I woke up around eleven and Bridget took me home.
The next day I went to Eckert's Orchard to pick apples with my friend Katie.  On our way home we went to the mall, as there is nothing else to really do in Saint Charles.  Then we returned to Katie's house...  to her basement specifically.  Jackie and Marie came over.  We went to Jackie's boyfriends house.  His name is Mike.  He's very nice, but he can be kind of scary.  He's adopted and has some anger issues, but I think they're getting better.  This is the third time Jackie has dated him.  Their "love" was rekindled over Seedbearers.  Seedbearers is a summer church retreat at St. Elizabeth Ann Seaton.   He broke down crying during  adoration and gave Jackie his whole life story apparently.  I like Mike, but there is just something off about him.  He seems stupid or something... it's mean but it's true.  But who cares about Mike.  What really makes me sick is Jackie.  I guess I'm her best friend.  Or at least I think I was about a month ago.  But after the summer I have had, I can't really stand her.  She has this desperate, constant need for attention.  It's disgusting.  Anything interesting happening in your life is instantly tossed aside or ignored by Jackie.  When I told her about this project I told her she should try it too.  Now she claims to be doing it, but two days ago she was eating M&M's.  When I said something to her she feigned innocence.  Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever Jackie.  At least I have Katie.  Katie and I are going to Costa Rica this summer by the way.  I'm excited about that.  But Jackie had to trump that by bragging about Paris and Rome and whatever.  I want to be happy for her but she makes it so hard.  Oh she's also bulimic apparently.  I overheard her talking to Mike about it.  It makes me sick that she told him and not me.  Especially after the problems I told her about this last summer.
Sorry all this got spewed out on a page.  I didn't really think while writing it...
The Vegan diet is going fine, it's not very hard honestly.
The past two days have been beautiful.  I love it.  When I run I feel like nature is with me instead of against me.  I feel like I'm a part of nature.  It's amazing.
Tomorrow is another day of school.  I'm happy its a four day week.  Mondays are not very fun.
I wonder what I got on my AP Government test.  I don't see a very good score in my future, even though I did study.  It's just kind of hard to study 90 pages of a text book in three weeks when your teacher is gone for half of it and didn't even give you notes.
I don't really care though.  I'm just trying to be happy.  Forget the rest.

Three

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, I promise I write something great soon.
But life is happening right now and I don't want to interrupt it.
The whole vegan thing is working out well.
I went apple picking with Katie today, & I got my homecoming dress.
I'm happy.

One

I need a car for this project.
I starved for half of the day,

I watching Mad Men.
Everyone's cheating on each other.  These people just get married because they can.
I love the colors and the decor and the clothes anyway.  I don't ever want to stop looking at the screen.
Either way, this show is amazing. Purely amazing.

I really want some hot chocolate.