World Series Game Six

Please win.
to do...
1) vocab quizzes
2) physics homework
3) ap government reading
4) run
5) In Cold Blood/sleep

Halloween Weekend

I'm addicted to wasting time.
I now have a functioning twitter account, even though I don't have a smart phone.
I didn't run today because I couldn't find my head phones.
Turns out that my brother used them and they were in his room.
Tomorrow I have to wake up early and go to a FBLA meeting.
Then I have to survive another day of school.
Then after school there is a swimming meeting.
I have to start eating very, very healthy now - and stop eating so much.
There is only one week until swimming starts.
I only say this because I don't want to look like a sloppy slob in my swimming suit.
I also SHOULD run tomorrow and the next day, but I want to see the play tomorrow and Trick or Treat Street is on Friday.
I have two interviews for yearbook or newspaper or FHNtoday or something.
One of which forces me to travel to sports authority.
Then I have to pick up some flowers for Julia and Chase, and go see the play.
Maybe I can go running right before the play, but I seriously doubt it.
The play is from seven to nine.
So if I finish all of my homework maybe I can run right after, but I know I'm going to want to go to sleep.
At some point I also have to bake cupcakes for NHS' Trick or Treat Street room.
Then Friday I have to wake up even earlier and go to a NHS meeting.
Then I have to survive another day of school.
Then I have to stay after and set up for Mu Alpha Theta's Trick or Treat Street room.
At some point I'll have to run home and put on my Hermione costume.
Then I'll have to comeback between 5 pm and 7 pm, then stay to clean up until around 8:30 pm.
Then Bridget invited me to go dance in bars on main street with her.
Who knows if thats actually going to happen.

Jackie wants me to go get stuff for her costume Saturday morning, but I'll probably be dead tired.
In the evening everyone is going to Marie's house for a Halloween party.

Sunday morning I'll probably go to church.
Then from 5pm to 9pm I'll be volunteering at the St. Charles Halloween Party at Blanchette Park.
I have to dress up for that as well.

Then another week of school will start.
And there are plenty of Physics notes to look forward to.
But we don't have school next Friday, and the thought of that is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now.

DECA

I don't like DECA very much.
But it may just because I don't like dressing up.

Fifty Three (DONE)

Officially, I suppose the project is over.
But let me simply note that today I tried eating some Goldfish and some Honey Bunches of Oats.
I didn't throw up, but lets just say I became violently sick, and still feel that way.
It feels like my stomach is trying to punch me in the face.

Forty Seven

Just got back from the DECA fall conference at the Lake of the Ozarks.

It was pretty boring.

I asked Jasmine to teach me how to play the guitar.

We're going to do it after school.

I saw "Moneyball" with my brother. 

I was awesome.

Chris Pratt was in it and he's just great.

I have to do my homework now.

I don't want to, but I don't even know what I want to do anymore.

So maybe it is what I want.

Didn't exercise the today and yesterday, but I didn't eat a lot anyway so I guess I'll just forget about it.

And it was freaking freezing today which I wasn't prepared for at all.

Cardinals are in the World Series.

Tomorrow I have Mu Alpha Theta.

I'm leaving now, I'm not interested in this.

Forty Four

I don't want to write anymore.
I'm sick of dwelling on past experiences...
I mean, who really cares?
All you can do with your past is learn from it, then push it aside.
I love my past, but only because it made me who I am now, and someday the parson I am now will be my past.

I kind of used to think that I understood what I should do with my life.
Not in a career sense, just in a general sense.
You know, work hard, get good grades, go to college, get a good job that I like.
But I honestly couldn't care less about all that stuff in some ways.
I just want to be happy.

My sister's friend has a sister named Yolanda.
Yolanda is beautiful and happy and young.
But she has a tumor in her brain and four years ago she was given five more years to live.
She's going to die at the end of this year.
I have never even met her, but I think about her a lot.
I'm not scared for her or angry about it or anything.
She can handle it, she's strong.
I just want to take something from her story.
She's going to die and I am going to live.
I'm going to have  better attitude from now on.


When this project is over I don't know If I'm going to blog anymore.
Maybe, but just to keep track.
Maybe I'll do one of those five year diary things where you only write down a sentence for every day.
I just don't like to dwell on the past, and I don't want to.

You know what I do want?
A great camera.
I would take pictures over words any day.


By the way I changed the domain and name of this blog.
Being vegan for fifty days has nothing to do with anything and I don't really care anymore.
I wish I did my project on Disney or something.
Being vegan was really easy for me, so I feel like this project won't be any good.
But then I don't really know what it's about.
Whatever, I haven't done any of my homework and I have to take the psat tomorrow.
So goodnight, sweet dreams.
My mom found my retainer... seems like a good omen to me.

Forty

Sorry, it's been awhile...
Wednesday I took a bunch of tests, and I don't think physics went well.
I fully expect to get a B in that class... hopefully not a C.
Either way, whatever.  I think it shows a vast improvement that I'm not crying my eyes out about it.
After school I went to the Cardinal's game with my brother.
It was awesome, you could feel electricity in the air.
Thursday I went for a run, went to the dentist, and then went to go see my old best friend Erin.
We carved pumpkins, and they actually turned out pretty freaking sweet.
Then we sat around a bonfire for awhile.
Joseph called me and told me to come home and watch The Lion King on blue ray with him and my sister because he had just purchased it.
So of course I did, and it was absolutely amazing.
After it was over we watched all of the special features.
Friday I went to the mall and got a birthday present for Erin and the book I have to read for English.
I went home and made Erin's present (a little doll) while watching The Lion King with director commentary.
That was also awesome.  I don't know If you realize, but The Lion King is super short.
Pretty much all the good (nineties) Disney's are.
Jackie had a fiasco with her boyfriend, which I'm not ashamed to say started with me.
Those two need to break up.
They're wasting each other's time.
Anyway, while Jackie and Mike talked for two hours, Katie and I laid on top of her Jeep and listened to music and acted like luggage whenever my neighbors drove by.
I spent the night at Katie's.
Saturday I woke up feeling sick and read what I needed to read for English.
We have to read "In Cold Blood."
It's about these two guys who murder an entire family.
I finished the first 74 pages, which was the assignment, but I think I'm just going to finish it.
I still have to write the paper that we are supposed to write about it.
I went running.
I took a shower and went over to Katie's for a little.
I still felt sick and I couldn't stand listening to Jackie talk so I went home.
Today I woke up and went to 8:15 mass with my mom.
We went to buy my cousin a present, and I ended up making her a little doll too.
We also bought a blazer for DECA.
I hate dressing in business attire.
I came home and made the doll for my cousin Suzanne, and watched the Cardinals lose.
Went running.
Now I'm doing this.

Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's school to make stuff for Mu Alpha Theta's trick or treat street room.
I know no one else in the club is going to do it.
So I'm going to sleep, because I have to get up early.

Pumpkin I carved.  I named him Milo after the kid in "The Phantom Tollbooth."
He's very lopsided, but I think it gives him character.

Thirty Five

Actually, right now physics isn't that bad.
I feel sick.
We didn't have any tums so I ate some of my brother's candy sticks and that kind of made it better, but not really.
Tomorrow I have a physics test and a marketing quiz.
It's a shortened day... and after school I am going to the Cardinals game with my brother.
I'll try to run immediately after school so I don't feel like a lazy bag of bones for the rest of the day.
I really hope the Cardinals win.
Their loss tonight only multiplied my sickness.
I have to drive to SLU and meet Joe after his classes.
So I have to find a random place to park and BLAHH it is going to be so confusing.
I just want to feel not sick.
Today at cross country I actually felt like I was going to die.
I have never grieved over cross country really, bust today my legs we're freaking killing me and I was ridiculously tired.
Then I came home and ate a bunch of food.
So now my legs hurt, I feel sick, and I am contemplating whether I ate to much today.
Blah, whatever.
I just need to move forward and be positive.
And study for physics.

Thirty Four

I really don't like physics very much.

Homecoming (September 24)

Megan, Savannah

Kelly 

Jasmine, Aurora, Katie, Jackie, Smitha, Kelly

Curtis 

Jackie 

Zach

Aurora, Jackie, Smitha, Lindsey, Katie, Carly, Alex, Kelly

Thirty Three

AHH! It's almost been a week since I've blogged... and my last one was garbage.
Sorry about that, here is a recap.

Wednesday, September 28th I just had a bunch of tests and quizzes.
I gave an interview after school to a yearbook journalist about juggling schoolwork and volunteering.
I also ran eight miles that day, which is the most I have ever run, as my half marathon ended on mile seven and a half as Bridget's stupid anti-laxative tried to rip apart every inch of my empty stomach.

Thursday, September 29th I had even more tests and quizzes.
We did hills and distance at cross country.
I set a date to see my old elementary school best friend in the world Erin.
I ate a lot of food and felt the need to run more that night.
I did my usual late-night loop, which took about forty minutes.

Friday, September 29th I didn't have any tests or quizzes!
But I do have an astronomical amount tomorrow, the day after that, and the day after that.
I went to the mall with my mom and picked up a jack o' lantern costume from my cousins house.
I talked to Suzanne (my cousin) for about ten minutes, which made me happy and sad because I love her so much.  I miss Reneé too (Suzanne's sister).  They are my favorite people in the whole entire world.  They are the rare two that I could be stuck in a room with forever and not want to do anything drastic (if you know what I mean).

Saturday, October 1st I had a cross country meet at Parkway Central.
I woke up at 6:30 am, boarded the bus at 7:00 am and ran at 9:30 am.
Fifty percent of the course was in the woods and it had ten zillion hills in it.
It was the hardest course yet, but I still like the woods.
After my race I put on my jack o' lantern costume and cheered for varsity and sophomores and freshmen (sophomore races are rare by the way, it's pretty weird that they had one).
A girl from the newspaper came and took pictures of us dressing up.
She's writing a story about our tradition (we dressed up before scream team started doing it by the way - not that it matters at all, because it is just as awesome).
I didn't get home until 3:30 pm.
I ate some food then walked to church with my mom.
This was a silly idea because my feet were killing me, and my dad had to pick us up after church was over.
My mom and I then went to the mall again (there is nothing to do in St. Charles).
After the mall I went to Katie's house for a bonfire.
We just sat around and played washers (even though it was dark and we couldn't see anything).
We finally went inside and watched Anchorman in Katie's basement.
I accidentally fell asleep at Katie's house around midnight and woke up at about 4:30 am.
I went back to sleep and woke up again at nine, then again at 10.

Sunday, October 2nd (continuation).
I left at ten while Katie and Kelly were still asleep, and walked to my house.
I ate some food and watched some of the Ram's game, then went outside to do some homework and study, but fell asleep instead.
I woke up an hour later.
I was forced to go play tennis with my brother.
I felt sick and sleepy the whole time so the session didn't amount to much.
After I returned home I took a shower.
I went out to buy a notebook and some lead.
I returned home and did my math and physics homework, and took the last vocal test of the quarter for spectra because I didn't want to study for AP Gov.
And now I'm doing this, instead of studying for AP Gov.
Now that I'm done I should go study.

Oh by the way, at the bonfire Kelly told Katie and I that she went out to eat with Jackie and three others.
She explained how she had been the one to invite them all, but was left out when they got to the restaurant.
Jackie and the other girl were tweeting to each other the entire time and the guys were being jerks too.
Katie and I told her we understood and we told her about our Jackie-venting sessions.
We said we would invite her to our next one, because if you don't vent to someone, you just explode into a million little pieces.
I told her that for the past year Jackie has become such a phony.
She was always a little fake, but now it is pretty unbearable.
She's okay when it is just me and her, but when we are with people other that Katie and Marie, she is so freaking annoying.

Uhm, but yeah...
Wednesday is our last day of school before fall break!
I have cross country pretty much every morning except Sunday.
On Thursday I'm hanging out with Erin.
On the 8th Im visiting Westminster with my sister.
I'm having a halloween party at my house at some point.
On the 11th, 12th, or 13th I'm visiting my sisters friend Ally at Mizzou and she's going to give me a tour of the University and I'm going to spend the night in her dorm.
On the 15th I am taking the PSAT (so I will be studying in any prior free-time).
On the 16th I am going to the DECA State Fall Conference at the Lake of the Ozark's.
I will be rooming with Jackie, Jordan, and Kailee... and out of the three, Kailee annoys me the least (which is saying something).
But it will probably still be really fun.
I will return home on Monday the 17th, and School resumes the 18th.

Then after that is one last cross country meet, Trick or Treat Street, FBLA Fall Conference, Halloween, Fall Retreat, and then swim season will start (SO EXCITED).

So here's too a good week.
Sorry If I miss a few posts by the way, this week is going to be crazy.
But when it is over it is going to be so much fun.
I need to study...

Twenty Seven

I was having a really good day today.

Then my dad was an ass for about 30 seconds.

And now I don't want to write this.

Twenty Six

I'm putting this in here, then putting it behind me.
I know she's lying, but whatever.
I guess she can take her time.
& in the meantime she can just continue leading herself off a bridge...
I've done what I can.
In the meantime, I'm sorry I haven't written daily as planned.
This week was homecoming and next week is fall break, so it's pretty much the perfect storm.
And I don't want to talk about anything right now anyway.

Oh I'm also gonna put these on here, because they are what made me finally say this to her.

Do you see this shit!?  It's mind-blowing!  Does she think we're idiots?  The bleaches, the floor, Andrew's hand, her own freaking arm?  All freaking warped!  Not to mention the fact that she is impossibly skinny.  She made herself look anorexic.  Just so freaking stupid.

But to be honest, after everything she does, the message I sent her wasn't out of love or concern.

I was pissed off.  I was pissed because she isn't okay with the way she is.

I am still pissed actually.  I'm pissed that I'm working my ass off to lost my shitty summer weight, and she is just making herself throw up and editing her pictures.

I know I shouldn't be like that though.  Because my mind and body are healthy and both of hers are sick.

Seriously though, I'm don't being concerned if she wants to keep lying.

She can do whatever she wants.

Twenty Two

Agh, so much junk.

Hmm...

So the DECA field trip was really fun, and so was powderpuff.

Tomorrow is Friday (thank goodness), and I have a cross country meet.

It should be fun, but I have to miss the homecoming parade, even though I'm president of Mu Alpha Theta.

Hopefully Smitha and Tyler can handle it, but I'm just glad I don't have to worry about it.

I already spent a ridiculous amount of time making the float (with no help from the majority of the the club, which has at least 100 people).

I stayed up until two last night making the "centerpiece."

I hope people remember to wear togas... (the float is Grecian because a lot of mathematical figures are letters of the Greek alphabet).

Anyway, tomorrow is Friday which means Saturday is homecoming!

AND I AM RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!

We're going to New Town to take pictures, and then I'm not sure if were eating or not. 

To be honest, we might not even go to New Town... I don't really know.

But that's our plan for now.

Then after homecoming (over 75% of our school is supposed to be there, the tickets almost sold out completely - which is freaking crazy), people are spending the night at my house. 

So yeah, that should be interesting.

Then Sunday will be a homework/running day I guess.

And after that, there is only a week and a half until fall break.

(WHICH IS TWO FREAKING WEEKS LONG!!)

Ah, I'm so glad tomorrows Friday, this was a tough week to get through.

I still haven't weighted myself yet, but I don't want to do it because I don't want it to break my confidence that I have lost some of this garbage weight.

I just want to be completely fit and healthy by college, I don't care what these crazies in high school think of me, I just want college to be really fun and awesome.

But for now I will just have to do my best with high school.
Yikes, Pray for me.

Jasmine

Katie

Kelly

Sarah, Megan, Allie, Ashlynn (DECA)

Twenty

I've decided to add pictures to this beautiful blog!

Cross Country Meet
Paul Enke Invitational (The Man Maker) 

Alexis, Brianna, Danielle

DECA field trip tomorrow.
Powderpuff tomorrow.
Only three more days until homecoming.
Only fifteen days until fall break - which contains only one full week of school.
Life holds so much promise.

homecoming week
animal print

around the world

Zach, Jasmine

Nineteen

Letter I wrote to my future self at the beginning of the summer at the Missouri Leadership Conference.
At the time I did not image the horrors of the remainder of the summer, but how could I?
They were bad yes, I have grown from them.
But I still think I look fat in my cross country uniform.
But most people look fat in that ugly piece of garbage.
I knew this thing was worthless the second I wrote it.
I wanted to write something amazing because I loved MLS, but I was overwhelmed and excited and having a freaking fit.  I wish I could go back... but I probably would have don't the same things.  I know everything happens for a reason, so I guess a major catastrophe was the only thing to cure me of my funk.
Life does seem a lot simpler now.  More easy going, yet more important somehow.
Anyway, here you go...

June 5, 2011
Dear Kerry,
MLS was amazing, but I'm sure a few months won't make you forget that.  Come back next year! (Which I'm not, even though I wish I could).  No matter what it takes come back.  You have the power to change lives.  You can change lives in MLS, change them just as much as MLS changed you this year.  You woke up this weekend.  Be proud of who you are.  Be confident, give hugs, be excited.  Make sure Mu Alpha Theta is amazing!  You can change even more lives through Mu Alpha Theta. (Don't really see that happening either.)  And that's what you want to do with your life right?  Never go back to the hardships of sophomore year (or this summer, my gosh.)  You are a wonderful, beautiful, powerful person.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  DON'T BE AFRAID.  Always be yourself.  You're amazing.  Follow all of your dreams.  Marry a sexy irish boy, travel the country, BE HAPPY!  I love you, you're amazing and don't ever let people put you in a box.  Life needs to be lived.  Do what you love and fuck (ahh, passionate cursing) the rest.  Life is one big party.
Love you!
Kerry Moriarty

I mean, somethings have changed a lot since then, but MLS did change me.
And this summer changed me.

Fowler said something about overcoming adversity today, and about having grit.
(Which I feel bad because my knee was kinda painful and I told them about it, which feels like complaining, which I hate, but it really wasn't that much... I still did the workout.)
I feel like that was my entire sophomore year and all of last summer.
And the past year gave me a heck of a lot of grit.
But the past is the past and I want to keep it that way.
Learn from the past, but don't live in the past.
Believe me, I know how repetitive I am making this.
But I am fucking done with the past.
(I think The Catcher in the Rye is giving me a dirty mouth., but I loved that book so ridiculously much.)

By the way homecoming is this weekend.
I'm reaaaallly excited.
I'm getting my haircut and highlighted Saturday at nine in the morning.
The lady that did my sister's hair had a cancellation luckily.
It is going to be so much freaking fun.

Seventeen

Ugh.  Blah.
I don't understand the way I feel right now.
I guess its antsy...
I'm being impatient.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.

Oh and that all veggie thing was a stupid idea.
You don't get any energy and you always feel bloated.
No more of that garbage.
I was a silly idea, I shouldn't be so naive.

Fifteen

I'm so sorry, i'm just so busy and tired and I can't do this for a short while.
I have so much to do at the moment.
Hopefully I can have a fully fleshed-out post tomorrow night or Saturday night.
Sorry, I have to study for physics and marketing and do my math and spanish homework.
Aghh, and I have to wake up at like 5:30 tomorrow.
At times like these I just try to think of the kids in China and India who are constantly doing school work and studying.
At least I don't have a tiger mom.
At least a million years of intense schooling isn't my only way to escape poverty.
I'll get through tonight and tomorrow somehow, even if I appear to be a member of the walking dead.

Twelve

Guess what?
I didn't do it again!
I was just so freaking hungry and my mother didn't buy corn... she bought peas.
We already had peas...
So instead I ate rice cakes with peanut butter and a banana.
Whatever...
Powderpuff was a waste of time today.
I have a Spanish test tomorrow, and Wednesday, and Thursday.
I have a physics test Wednesday and Thursday.
There's too much to do this week.
All I want to do is sleep and read and run.
I still feel pudgy, but I think it is slowly subsiding.
I just have to get through this year.
I just want to be skinny and I just want to go to Costa Rica.
But for now I know that people like me for who I am, and I think that's pretty awesome.

15. Speech & Debate

Eleven

I didn't follow through today.
Joe got some cereal and I wanted to see what soy milk tasted like with cereal.
It tasted pretty normal, but now I feel sick from eating the cereal.

Whatever, the moral of the story is that I am going to eat only fruits and veggies Monday through Friday.
I'm seriously going to do it though.
Because DECA, homecoming, prom, and Costa Rica taste better than any food.

I decided to edit this post and add a list of why I'm going to do this...
1. Cross Country
2. Powderpuff
3. DECA Conference & Lake of the Ozark's
4. Homecoming
5. Halloween
6. Fall Retreat
7. Swimming
8. Pro-Life
9. Snowcoming?
10. Track or Soccer
11. Visit Renee at Loyola
11. Prom
12. Summer
13. Costa Rica
14. Senior Year
13. College
14. Every second of every day

Ten

The first cross country meet was today at Forest Park.
JV girls ran a 4K, and I clocked in at 21:03.
There we about a hundred people behind me and two people from my team.
And even more people whet slower than me if you look at the other division.
I know I'm not fast, but its nice to know that there are some people slower than me.
Then I went to a speech and debate thing at Pattonville High School.
I watched examples of prose/poetry, Lincoln-Douglas debate, and storytelling/duo interpretation.
I really liked prose and storytelling, and I think that's what I will do.

Anyway, I know I have lost a little bit of summer weight, but I want to lose it all by homecoming.
I have a plan to accomplish this, and I think that losing five to ten more pounds in a two week period is a good and healthy goal.
For the next two weeks I will eat only fruits (all except banannas), vegetables, and water (maybe Gatorade after races).
I was going to do this today, but I had to go straight to Pattonville and all that was in the car was peanuts so it didn't really work out.
But tonight I'm going to go running and tomorrow I will start on my plan.
I'm just going to try to have a positive attitude and will my body to lose weight.
I refuse to fall into a pit.
And as for my running this new diet shouldn't affect it or cause me to become sick or anything.
I doubt fruits and veggies will make me feel weak, and honestly I don't care if they do as long as this works.
This weight just reminds me of my summer, and I want it to be in my past as soon as possible.
I know I will actually do it too.
The things I write on here feel more defined and set in stone.
I'm going to go run now...

Nine

Here's a true story for you.
A couple weeks ago Zach and Jackie came over to my house around nine o'clock at night.
Jackie's boyfriend then drove over and Jackie went outside to talk to him.
Zach and I quickly became bored and decided that we should try to eavesdrop on Jackie and Mike, believing that they were surely talking about stupid lovey-dovey garbage.
After an hour and a half of failure Zach and I gave it up and sat in my living room, throughly defeated, but joking about all the stupid ways we had tried to eavesdrop.
After awhile I looked out the window, and Jackie and Mike were nowhere to be seen.
When I crept around the back of the house to check, I found that they were standing next to the garage door.
I ran inside and grabbed Zach.
We quickly found our way into the garage and next to the garage door.
We could see Jackie's shadow on the floor.
We listened.  Here's the dialogue...
JACKIE: When I was young ... (something) ... didn't know it was wrong.
MIKE:  (something).
JACKIE:  I feel ashamed... (something).
MIKE: Well next time you feel like it call me.
JACKIE: I like... (something).
MIKE:  (something)... I'm just gonna say it... you like making yourself puke into a toilet?
JACKIE: (something).
MIKE:  You feel good after you do it and thats why you keep doing it.  You do it when you feel good so you will feel better and you do it even more when you feel bad because you want to feel good.
JACKIE:  How do you know all this?  It's like you're reading my mind. (This statement made me mad, its such crap.  Who wouldn't know that?)
MIKE:  I know you, I know you so well.  I know you better than you know yourself.

Then Zach and I left.
When we got inside Zach and I were initially very excited because we had finally succeeded in our task.
We hugged, engulfed in excitement.
Then reality kind of set in.
The one thing I remember most is something Zach said.
Zack said that he thought Jackie was the perfect girl, but now she's just like every other girl.  Insecure.
It was then that I decided to put my problems in the past.
The stupid eating habits I had during the year and the crazy exercising I had to do as a result.
And the even dumber eating habits I had this summer, which was even more food and no exercising, as I had quit my soccer team (coach was a serious ass) and was burnt out on jogging.
I gained 15 to 20 pounds this summer.
I hated every second of it.
When I initially gained 3 pounds I freaked out.
When I gained 5 I shut down in despair.
When I gained 10 I cried for days.
At 15 I saw a therapist and a nutritionalist.
I didn't go back after the first session.
I didn't think they could tell me anything I didn't already know.
But Zach's comment made me happy I hadn't tried purging.
I mean, I tried once or twice, but I didn't really work out for me.
But I was now on cross country and avoiding scales at all costs.
I'm still on cross country, and haven't been on a scale since.
I still feel fat a lot, but I don't feel like shit anymore.
And I can tell that I have lost at least five pounds, but I'm still too nervous to step on a scale.
I want to loose all the weight though.
I'm determined.
I want to look healthy and fit for Prom and for Costa Rica this summer.

This summer sucked.  But I grew in my pain.
I came to truly understand the phrase "You don't know what you've got until its gone."
And I stress out over school work less.  Still a lot, but less.
I appreciate people and the world more.
I read one other thing that helped me a lot.  It was in Cosmopolitan magazine.
It said something like, "People are much more concerned with themselves than they are you."

When I returned to school, I was even nicer to be.
I've thrown caution to the wind.
I say whatever I want to say, the second I want to say it.
I complement people constantly.
I can make conversation with anyone.
And everyone still loves me.
And I still love everyone.
I don't get as jealous.
I just focus on self improvement.
I want to lose the weight.  So I will.
I have to stay vigilant, but I know that I can do this.
I have the willpower.
Prom and Costa Rica (mostly Costa Rica) are constantly on my mind.

I can do this.
The right way, the healthy way with good diet and exercise.
I will never do what Jackie does.
And I still don't know what to do about Jackie.
I think this is why I feel like something's wrong/bad about Mike.

Six

I wonder how much other people daydream.
I daydream all the time it seems.  Every second.
I like it and it makes me happy.  I love my imagination.
I believe that my imagination is what makes me so creative and outspoken (I know, not very humble).
But seriously, every single second of my life is in a kind of fog.
I'm always dreaming about something.
Sometimes I feel bad about it.  I have always heard that a dreamer is nothing if they don't do anything about it.
But I want to do something with it.  I really do.
I want to make movies, I want to make television shows.
I want to work in advertising, I want to be an entrepreneur.

I have a lot of daydreams, as I said.
I dream about my brother and his life and everything I want for him.  I want everything for him.
I dream about my sister and her heart and mind and everything I want to fill them.  I want her to have the strength to be herself.
I dream about my friends and how they're making the wrong or right choices.  I dream about why they are stupid and why they are smart.   I dream about their lives and where they are going.
Sometimes I laugh about these daydreams and sometimes I cry.
But really I guess they are not daydreams, they are prayers.

I pray my brother loves his job.
I pray my sister finds someone she can be herself with.
I pray Jackie stops caring what other people think so she can finally enjoy her beautiful life.
I pray Katie stays in my life forever.  I want her to learn from me and I want to learn for her.
I pray Marie stays innocent.  I want her to stay ignorant.
I pray Christina learns that she is strong and that she can stand up for herself.

This summer I thought I was drowning, but I was just growing.
I pray the next time I grow I see the silver lining.

Five

Hey, sorry I didn't write again yesterday.
But since I finally have some time...
Well, on Thursday I just went home and watched Mad Men until I fell asleep.  I found out around nine that the cross country meet the next day had been cancelled because of the heat.
On Friday I woke up at around two.  I went to mall with my sister and picked out my homecoming dress.  I found it in about twenty minutes, which is strange because the last two years I just borrowed them because I couldn't find one that I was partial too.  I really like the one I picked out though.  It feels classic.  It's creme colored and all lace.  After the mall my sister and I went to her house on campus.  We went for a run and then I watched Mad Men again, as Bridget watched Sherlock.  I spent the night there.
I woke up around eleven and Bridget took me home.
The next day I went to Eckert's Orchard to pick apples with my friend Katie.  On our way home we went to the mall, as there is nothing else to really do in Saint Charles.  Then we returned to Katie's house...  to her basement specifically.  Jackie and Marie came over.  We went to Jackie's boyfriends house.  His name is Mike.  He's very nice, but he can be kind of scary.  He's adopted and has some anger issues, but I think they're getting better.  This is the third time Jackie has dated him.  Their "love" was rekindled over Seedbearers.  Seedbearers is a summer church retreat at St. Elizabeth Ann Seaton.   He broke down crying during  adoration and gave Jackie his whole life story apparently.  I like Mike, but there is just something off about him.  He seems stupid or something... it's mean but it's true.  But who cares about Mike.  What really makes me sick is Jackie.  I guess I'm her best friend.  Or at least I think I was about a month ago.  But after the summer I have had, I can't really stand her.  She has this desperate, constant need for attention.  It's disgusting.  Anything interesting happening in your life is instantly tossed aside or ignored by Jackie.  When I told her about this project I told her she should try it too.  Now she claims to be doing it, but two days ago she was eating M&M's.  When I said something to her she feigned innocence.  Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever Jackie.  At least I have Katie.  Katie and I are going to Costa Rica this summer by the way.  I'm excited about that.  But Jackie had to trump that by bragging about Paris and Rome and whatever.  I want to be happy for her but she makes it so hard.  Oh she's also bulimic apparently.  I overheard her talking to Mike about it.  It makes me sick that she told him and not me.  Especially after the problems I told her about this last summer.
Sorry all this got spewed out on a page.  I didn't really think while writing it...
The Vegan diet is going fine, it's not very hard honestly.
The past two days have been beautiful.  I love it.  When I run I feel like nature is with me instead of against me.  I feel like I'm a part of nature.  It's amazing.
Tomorrow is another day of school.  I'm happy its a four day week.  Mondays are not very fun.
I wonder what I got on my AP Government test.  I don't see a very good score in my future, even though I did study.  It's just kind of hard to study 90 pages of a text book in three weeks when your teacher is gone for half of it and didn't even give you notes.
I don't really care though.  I'm just trying to be happy.  Forget the rest.

Three

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, I promise I write something great soon.
But life is happening right now and I don't want to interrupt it.
The whole vegan thing is working out well.
I went apple picking with Katie today, & I got my homecoming dress.
I'm happy.

One

I need a car for this project.
I starved for half of the day,

I watching Mad Men.
Everyone's cheating on each other.  These people just get married because they can.
I love the colors and the decor and the clothes anyway.  I don't ever want to stop looking at the screen.
Either way, this show is amazing. Purely amazing.

I really want some hot chocolate.

Thursday

My vegan project starts Thursday, September 1, 2011.
In this experiment I will consume only vegan foods for a span of fifty days.
I will be blogging about my day every night, and hopefully, over the course of the fifty days something intersting will happen.  Preferably several interesting things.
This blog will be a daily account of my life.
If any changes occur from the diet, hopefully it will be displayed in my writing.

My brother is sick and he wants me to get him dunkaroos.
He used to bring dunkaroos for his classmates every year on his birthday.
They have been discontinued for years.
But yesterday we saw them at Wal Mart.
It was an exciting day for my brother.

Today my brother received 24 boxes of candy cigarettes in the mail.
He ordered them on amazon for $7.58.
He says he needs them while he watches Mad Men, so he can feel cool like Don Draper.

At the beginning of the summer my brother purchased Dominion Prosperity.
I came  home and he was putting the cards in sleeves.
I asked him why he wasn't doing his homework.
He said that putting the cards into sleeves relaxed him.

My brother just cooked a whole can of tomato soup.
He ate the entire thing it in 1 minute and 31 seconds.

I love my brother.

Coins

I saw this old couple at Panera today.
It instantly occurred to me that the lady was the sour one of the two.
She made the old man do everything.
But he had an endless smile so I guess he was okay and happy.

Once the old man retrieved their food and drink he sat down to enjoy his meal.
The old lady took her plate without a thank you.
The old lady went straight for her soup.
She blew it off in a condescending way and then slurped it like an animal.
The old man daintily picked up his fork and headed for his salad.  After a few tosses he dug in, in a very normal and fluid manner.
The contrast was kind of disturbing.
The old woman sat with her stiff grimace.
But the old man went on smiling.


I firmly believe my brother and his girlfriend are two different sides of a coin.
Never able to see eye to eye but necessary to each other.
Maybe these old-timers were the same way.

But I hope the other side of my coin is a smiler.

Stars

Just finished running.

I walked straight through my house and onto my back porch.

I began to stretch, but was distracted by the sky.

I laid flat on my back and looked up at the stars.

Of course the biggest and brightest star caught my eye, and I gazed at it intently.

But I was soon disgusted.

Why should this star get all the attention?

All stars should be gazed at.

Because every single star is so beautiful that I want to cry, even the ones that I can't see.

Even the little one's are this amazing phenomenon.  Even the little ones are blazing bright balls of gas.

And in the day, when the sun shines so bright that it washes every star from my view, I know that even though some stars are brighter than others, there will always be the sun.  And the sun will outshine them all.  I feel bad for the stars, but then I think about it.

Is the sun brighter because it is bigger? Yes.

Is the sun brighter because it is better? Perhaps - It does have a very important job.

And then that gets me thinking about the sun and its job.

Even though it is bigger and better and more important that all the other stars in the sky, maybe it hates it.

Maybe it wishes it could just be another star.  Maybe its job scares it half to death, or maybe its job keeps it from its true happiness.  And the sun will have to keep doing this job until the end of the world.

And about that big thing.  Maybe the sun hates being big.  Maybe it wishes it could feel small and weak and vulnerable.  Maybe it just wants someone to hold it, and that it could simply feel small in someone else's arms.

I would rather be a star.  Maybe I wouldn't be the biggest, the best, or the most important, but maybe I could see life from my own point of view, spend my time as I would like, be whoever I want to be, and no one would ever judge me.  I might not be important in a lot of people's eyes, but maybe I could be important to at least one person.  The one person that takes the time to notice me.  And I could be there for them and they could be there for me.  And we could fail together and succeed together.  And be together for Christmas and snuggle together next to the fire eating hot chocolate.

And I would forget about all the people who just passed me by.  I would remember some friends I had made, and some others who had noticed me and loved me and who I had love back, but I would be happier because I would have someone to truely love.  And our love would be our own.  And our love would be so beautiful that it would make me want to cry.  Because love is the only real reason to live.